The religion of football

Here in Alabama, there are three kinds of people: Alabama Crimson Tide fans, Auburn Tiger fans, and atheists. Two of the three will go to hell when they die. Which two depend entirely on who you ask.

Alabama residents who like soccer but have no particular team preferences are called “agnostics.” The faithful hope that one day these poor, pathetic souls will purchase an Alabama jacket or receive an Auburn cap and experience the joy of committing to a particular team. Until then, they are considered social and recreational outcasts. Praying for them is all we can do.

Why all the religious references in a column that is supposed to be about soccer? Because religion and football are closely related, my friend, with much more in common than you think. Consider this passage from the Big Playbook of St. Gipper, recently discovered in a dark basement on the University of Notre Dame campus.

The passage says: “And on the seventh day God created football and everything was fine in the world … until Satan brought the referees …”

It is impossible to believe in college football without also believing in a Higher Power. Here in Alabama, and in many other places, soccer is a religion. For some, it is the only religion. Blasphemy, you say? I do not believe it. More prayers are said and answered during the average college football game than in most churches during a month on Sundays. That explains why evangelists love to hold revivals in football stadiums. The atmosphere is already established. The congregation has season tickets.

Consider this: Alabama has been getting a lot of national press lately because of two things:

(1) The quality (or lack thereof) of the University of Alabama football team, and (2) The moral positions that are being taken and the legal battles that Alabama people are fighting over the separation of church and church. condition. Soccer and religion. Religion and soccer. And we go on.

Playing offense for God in Alabama are people like high school students who walked out of class because they weren’t allowed a moment of prayer before a math test. Personally, I would rather have my teens pray in school classrooms than sing rap songs and drive around in noisy cars. However, I think these young people are limiting themselves. When I was in school we prayed before EVERY test, not just math.

Then there’s Judge Roy Moore, one of the captains of God’s team, so to speak. Moore is the Alabama judge who has a plaque of the Ten Commandments hanging on the wall of his courtroom. The Supreme Court has ordered the plaque to be removed, but our dear Governor Fob “I am the law in these parts” James has said that he will dispatch the National Guard to make sure the plaque remains in place. You can call this strengthening defense.

Which raises another question: If Alabama secedes from the Union due to ACLU and NCAA oppression, does that make Fob our king? If so, I think that is more than enough reason not to part. King Fob. It sounds like a giant gorilla with a speech impediment, doesn’t it?

Returning to the issue at hand, I think that the view that soccer has become a bona fide religion is attested by the fact that no one has yet tried to push a legal lever between organized religion and organized college football. They may realize how futile their efforts would be. Or maybe they are just afraid of divine retribution. I understand that Bear Bryant and Shug Jordan were not men to cross while here on earth. God forbid some heretical ACLU attorney bothering you now.

When the Universities of Alabama and Auburn play each other as they did last weekend, the faithful abandon what they are doing and flock to the game like wise men chasing a distant star. The entire state stops. Try to find a washer repairman or ER doctor during an Alabama / Auburn game. They are nowhere to be found. You can die in dirty clothes, but that’s what you get for not attending the big game.

The end of this year’s Iron Bowl was, as always, of apocalyptic proportions. In the final moments of the game, just before the end bell rang, everyone’s faith was put to the test. As the clock ticked – 6 … 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 … either you were devoutly for Alabama or you had given your life entirely to Auburn.

There was no “atheist” section in these stands.

Amen.