The six people of defiant children

When discussing the categorization of various types of children’s behavior, it can be helpful to identify them with a positive role model, or at least in some cases, an easily identifiable role model. According to clinical psychologist Andrew Fuller (Tricky Kids, 2007), it is possible to identify six clearly identifiable personas that children with challenging behaviors fit into.

They are:
manipulators
negotiators
discussions
Competitors
daring devils
passive resistors

The Manipulator (Henry Kissinger, Angelica – RugRats) – These are children who have the ability to wrap people, especially adults, around their little finger, and often dominate and control other people. Handlers can often become Bullies and then go back to playing ‘cute’ when adults are around. They are determined and like to take charge and tell people what to do. They often have successful careers in business and high-end corporate life.

Manipulators are great at adapting their behavior to their environment, so their behaviors can vary significantly in different environments. They know how to push buttons to get their way, and when they do fight, it’s usually in a big way. Not only do they need to be the center of attention, but they have a desire to be the best at all costs. Their motto can be summed up as ‘the end justifies the means’ and they will often lie and bring others down to win.

The best way to start turning a handler into a reciprocator is to increase their vigilance, have them accompany you on outings like shopping and running small errands. They may protest, but persevere, as these children basically need over-rearing. The best results are obtained when they are not left alone, but are always included or accompanied by an adult, or have an adult watching them at all times.

The Negotiator (Bart Simpson, Dennis the Menace): These guys are really turned on; they are the drivers and traffickers of the world. They are very intelligent and can attract people with their humor, which allows most people to basically like them.

Negotiators are cunning and funny and try to control by resisting instructions and requests, while engaging people by being pranksters and pranksters, and unfortunately they don’t seem to know when enough is enough. Avoid areas of possible failure due to distraction

There is a golden rule when it comes to negotiators and that is to pick your battles; Negotiators will always have more energy to put into a battle than any parent. Be very careful not to let moments when you show affection for your child become time for bargaining.

Because negotiators love the audience, negotiate with them away from the audience. Make sure you have a clear and immovable end result before you negotiate. Do not fight or give in to a negotiator, and in times of conflict, step back and calm down, your goal is not to have them submit to your will but to develop integrity and consideration for others.

Negotiators are often impressed with rewards, and a small reward can be more effective than praise, especially if they believe they have beaten the odds to achieve it. Use tangible rewards like time off and stickers instead of just praise.

The Debater (Margaret Thatcher, Jerry Springer, JFK): Characterized by the “what about me?” syndrome, they want to hold everyone else accountable. They have an overly developed sense of justice, fairness, and the balance between good and evil. They are very determined and verbal children and this is a deadly combination.

The debaters are energetic and motivated by their cause. Unfortunately, they need to learn a variety of skills for social interaction and are often out of tune with their own emotions. They can often suffer from a sense of insecurity as to whether they are good enough or lovable enough.

Because debaters are highly verbal children who can entangle you in endless conversation and debate, particularly regarding the fairness or unfairness of a situation, it’s important that you make a commitment not to debate with them for long periods of time. Instead, respond with affection. Deal with their hurt feelings and offer understanding instead of pity, and place importance on creating situations and opportunities where they can experience success.

Finally, set aside a special time each week for these children with a definite beginning and end where they know the time belongs to them and they won’t have to fight and whine to keep your attention. They are at a basic level of ‘attention seekers’.

The Competitor (Lance Armstrong, Winston Churchill) – Has an incredible spirit and can take on the world. These children like to show off and do not handle losses well. They are best summed up as ‘second place is the first loser’. When faced with conflict, they build a strength for their position.

The competitors are challenging to the extreme and need to win at all costs. They are happy to cut off their noses to spite their face. They are often sponges for attention, and will often do anything to avoid losing face.

When dealing with a competitor, it is important to first realize that consequences have little fear and make little difference to them. If you ground them, they will say that you grind me well that I am happy in my room.

Once again, these kids love the audience and therefore never get into a conflict with a competitor in the presence of an audience as you will lose. Competitors respond best when challenged by parents, however, be careful not to “bet” your child directly. Use third-person challenges like “not many people would believe that you could…” or “not many people would believe that you were responsible enough to…”

Do not compare your performance with others, but with your previous performances. One oversight often seen with these kids is that because winning comes so naturally to them, we can overlook the fact that they are not good at just playing games. Look for opportunities to engage them in activities that are not competitive, there is no winner or loser, such as sports theater or drama. Competitors are generally good at taking responsibility and it is important to make sure they have some age-appropriate areas of responsibility to help them develop.

The Dare Devil (Steve Irwin, Evel Knievel, Harry Houdini) – He is the kid who always reports the missing accountant on the local show. Raising these children is like being involved in an extreme sport.

These children are great attention seekers and love a challenge, especially with excitement and enthusiasm. They often excel in careers as emergency service workers, firefighters, police officers, or specialists. Unfortunately, they are not great future planners.

They are often very sweet in nature and not meant to cause worry or concern and in fact as they have little to no fear it is rare that the thought that they may be alarmed ever enters their head. In fact, the love these kids have for intensity means they often don’t think things through.

Since we are not going to be able to keep these kids away from their thrills and spills, we need to find more positive ways to take risks, like motocross, paintball, camping, etc.

Again, in conflict situations, it is beneficial to move the conflict away from the audience, as these children have a reputation that they are not supposed to defend and uphold. These children are very optimistic and often overestimate their own abilities. To combat this, we need to help them think things through and develop an effective sequence by asking them lots of questions when they are planning something.

Although this may feel like pulling their teeth, it helps prepare them for the risks they are about to take. Also, a bit of relaxation, visualization and mental imagery along with concentration exercises will help them focus more.

The Passive Resist (Mahatma Gandhi, Aung San Suu Kyi): Often lazy, reserved and disorganized, tends to move slowly through life. They tend to be unaware of things, ie ‘why didn’t you do your homework?’ they would reply ‘what homework?’ They have a tendency to enrage and drive their parents crazy.

Passive resisters are often very bright and very sensitive and may retreat and avoid life to avoid failure, and like competitors they don’t care much about consequences. They tend to have a learned ‘helplessness’ style that is passive and seem to hope that it will all go away. They appear calm on the outside and are often withdrawn from life and become very private regarding their thoughts and feelings. They often lose possessions and seem not to listen to take in information. These children are minimalist in both action and verbal conversation, often with one-word responses.

What doesn’t work for these kids is yelling, nagging, pleading, trying to be a motivational coach, or guessing what they’re thinking. However, an increase in responsibility often brings with it a change in desire.

The best way to influence these children is to build a positive relationship. During this relationship-building phase, look directly at them when you talk to them and don’t accept shrugs and one-word answers. Basically you need to think about lowering the pressure and increasing the presence. They need to know that avoiding some family interaction is not an option. Look for opportunities for your confidence and competence by caring for others or pets.

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