Between love and familiarity
We often feel deep empathy for certain people whom we do not receive in return. They tend to be negative types of people, such as high-tempered or narcissistic people, who take advantage of our goodness for their own desire. Somewhere deep in our thoughts, we think that maybe if we treated them well and showed them our great kindness, they would treat us better and even change their behavior for us. But the truth is, people don’t change overnight.
We may find ourselves with a selfish partner, and even though our partner is difficult, some of us will find it even harder to leave that hurtful relationship. Everyone around us already tells us to stand up for ourselves and leave, they even criticize how weak and stupid we are for continuing with this hurtful relationship and they even accuse us that we really like being treated badly. But no one likes to be treated badly. The reason it’s so hard to leave is that even though it hurts, some of us can find the comfort of familiarity. Our lack of understanding causes us to stay. Only because we are afraid to leave. We have nowhere to go and most of all we are afraid of unfamiliar things.
Studies say that we are drawn to what is familiar to us and that mere exposure will affect our attitude towards certain people. For example, if you grow up with temperamental parents, you will tend to find a partner with temperament issues. Not because you consciously find them attractive, but because of the familiarity you unconsciously recognize in them. This is our subliminal mind and we are not aware of making such a choice. Whether for better or worse, our subliminal mind will allow us to stay in this relationship because they find it comforting in a sense of familiarity.
Some people may think that it is commitment and love that makes you stay with a hurtful partner. But you have to understand the difference between love and familiarity. Both generate comfort, but there is a big difference. With familiarity, you feel comfortable because you already feel used to it and you have already developed the ability to deal with it. You learn to survive and just ignore some hurtful truths and turn your head to the fact that you actually deserve so much better. You find yourself trapped because you are too comfortable in your comfort zone. You assume that it would be more difficult to live outside your circle and that you could hurt yourself even more.
The comfort that love gives is different. You feel comfortable with your partner not only because of how kind, compassionate, and loving they are to you, but also because your partner makes you feel comfortable and confident. You love your partner for who they are and for what they make you feel about your whole being. Your heart is full of unpretentious happiness. This kind of comfort is simple but hard to feel because it’s rare. And if you feel that way with a certain person, you may feel love.
To find the comfort that only love can give, you first have to become aware of whether what you have right now is familiarity or love. Don’t blame yourself if you keep having the same hurtful relationships. Remember that you cannot control what you are not aware of. The important thing is that you can see the pattern that your subliminal mind makes you choose and learn from it.
It can be difficult at first to let go of the chains of comfort you feel with familiarity, and some things may feel strange to you. But let the strangeness settle with you. Because soon you will realize how happy you are without your hurtful partner. Then you can decide what kind of person you really want in your life and what you deserve. Let go of fear and free yourself from the ties of the past.