Writing “do or die” headlines

In Australia everything is always trying to kill you.

In particular, those big, mean, big-toothed prehistoric predators affectionately known as ‘Salties’.

I’ve done my time in the Northern Territory and the crocodiles up there are monstrous, but the really scary ones are the ones you don’t see.

Did you know that if you are camping in the bush for more than a few days, you should randomly change your daily routines (swimming, walking, fetching water, urinating, etc.), because if a crocodile sees you once, and decides play a deadly game of ‘tag’ with you, not only won’t they tell you you’re playing, but they’ll happily watch you as a creepy weirdo for a few days to learn your moves…then SNAP !

That’s not even what this article is about anyway, it’s just weird! But the reason I mention it is this:

Decades ago, when I was a young, reckless man in my early 20s, I once woke up on the sandy bank of a river in the Daintree rainforest in far north Queensland. Or FFNQ for those in the know.

FFNQ is the country of primetime man-eating crocodiles.

With misty eyes I looked up at a sign I’d fallen asleep under the night before, and for a moment I didn’t know where I was.

The big yellow triangular sign, edged in black, read: “ACHTUNG!” Hungover as he was, he was still pretty sure he wasn’t in Germany, and yet there was the warning: “ACHTUNG!” and below a picture of a crocodile.

How I got here was my first thought, then suddenly dawned on me as I scanned the scene. How the hell were we all still alive? Were we all still here? Luckily we were, and when my other person calmed down, I got to thinking…

Why German? Because here?

The same is true of many UK power stations and substations.

Don’t ask me why I know this.

I guess when I was a kid I was really bored, but the signs of a person who has been struck by lightning always said ACHTUNG! Danger of death. Why German?

Opposite corners of the world, vastly different situations, why German over all other languages?

I honestly don’t know.

A cursory Google search turns up tourism statistics, but I don’t think many German tourists visit power stations, and I’m sure Germans are no more likely to go and be eaten by crocodiles than the average British, American or Chinese tourist. They make up a much larger percentage of travelers.

If you know, maybe you’re a clever linguist, feel free to reply and let me know.

Until then I have a theory.

1. Non-Germans have a cultural awareness of certain German power words because of the whole world war thing and the stereotype perpetuated through cinema ever since. Nein! Achtung! Ich bin ein Berliner! So instead of trying to cover all languages, a clear warning in German is likely to ring bells of imminent danger in many languages.

2. ACHTUNG! It’s obvious and easy to understand, yet obtuse and different enough to stand out, a bit like Steve Buscemi.

3. It’s fun to say, it rolls well on the tongue and it’s phonetic, which means it’s also nice to read.

Like I said, this is a working hypothesis, not a fact, but it ticks a lot of the boxes when it comes to writing a good headline, which is what a red flag is on a basic level.

• Use cultural references that the audience will instantly latch on to.
• Use powerful words that jump off the page and grab the reader’s attention.
• It has a sense of uniqueness that creates curiosity and a desire to keep reading.
• Use words or phrases that are pleasing to the eye or ear when reading.

These are not all the key elements of a great headline, but they are some elements that can take an average headline and turn it into something that can literally save your life.

Going back to the crocodile story, I obviously survived. We all did. Which is surprising because it was pitch dark when we got there, and we were all drunk as skunks.

In terms of marketing:

We were the wrong audience, precisely the wrong level of consciousness for the headline/sign to have any effect, but that’s a story for another time.